|[Left_Breathless]|

.Behind the Scenes. I've tried hard to mend my wicked ways.

[ go | before ]
[.The Gossip.]
[.The Make-up Chair.]
[.The Crew.]
[.The Dress.]
[.The Set.]

.Microphone.
Is anybody listening?

Check? Check? 1. 2. 3.

I have something to say.

Totally unaware? If I'm on AIM the little yellow man will show up next to the link signifying that I've entered stage right.

.The Actress.
I am a 22 year old graduate from the University of Georgia. I'm attending the University of Tennessee for Pharmacy school in the fall.

I act like a 13 year old. I'm obnoxious, loud, silly,... weird. I'm spoiled, selfish, manipulative, and duplicitous. All by no fault of my own. I was just built this way. I am not to be trusted. I prey on those weaker than I and I feed off those that are stronger. I strongly believe in parasitism for my own "collective" benefit.

I do care what you think about me, however I know that I can't change so the effects of voicing an opinion is futile. What you think or want to say is something I probably already know.

The oddity of it all

I'm stuck in the 80's and I'm moving back to the 20's.

I am not pretty.

I am not witty.

I am not going to inflate your ego or kiss your ass.

I do deserve every ounce of attention I get good or bad.

I will own my mistakes. You own yours.

I love rain boots.

I used to role-play, but don't anymore. Most of the people really suck and they're really not going anywehere with their lives.I still hang out in some RP chats to talk to old friends, though! Maybe I'll play again when I'm 40 and my life has dulled again.

I seem to start drama without doing much at all. I'm am not a self-proclaimed Drama Queen, but one by right.

I love myself on Wednesdays and Saturdays.I'm black on Tuesdays, white on Mondays and Asian on Fridays. Got that written down?

.For the Audience.

Add me. Don't ask. I may or may not add you back.

Don't steal my pictures. I'll be forced to remove your virtual pubic hair with elictrical tweasers.

If you'd like to use one of my pictures, ask, please. I'll let you do it.

This journal is not where you should express hate. Make a community for that shit.

You are more than welcome to kiss my black ass.

Don't IM me asking me stupid ass questions or to tell me that I'm pretty. Further more, don't expect me to be talkative. I'm usually busy.

I accept love in all packages. *heart-pop*

If you suspect that you are becoming slightly obsessive with me (I don't see why you would anyway), please endulge yourself.

Think I'm mean and cruel? Hold your fucking breath.

.Her Lines.
You. Are. Not. Special.

Everybody wants to be a mystery. Everybody wants to be beautiful. Everybody wants to be artistically flawed and painted by rare colors of emotion.

We all want to be unique and different. We all are screaming and begging for attention. We feed off each other's fears and prowl on comparative weaknesses. We won't follow the crowd and jump off the same bridge. Oh no. In order to conserve our individuality we'll each pick seperate suicides to indulge ourselves in.

There's no way we can possibly be like each other, because we are undefined, rebellious, wild, eccentric, and intellegent. We are each a fine drawing were every brush stroke falls on a cluttered canvas at different pressures and speeds. We all think that with the right lighting our exhibit will inspire.

Could it possibly happen that we are all more alike then we'd like to think? That in our strive to wander away from the collective group of "weirdos" that we've formed our own fundemental identity? Just for a second, realize that we are more alike that you could have ever really imagined. Even though the making of our portraits of reality may be created by differnt devices, from a distance we all look the same. A scattered mosaic of wonder.

So when you look in the mirror, you're looking at me. I am a product of the environment I choose to interact in, therefore I am you. When you smile for a picture, I am there. When you cower in a corner of shame, I'm hovering right next to you. When you think that you've finally defined who you are, I can garuntee that I'm just like you.

Just like everybody, I'm striving to be a completely novel social specimen. In my attempt to do so, I'm a lucid reflection of the people around me. My flaws are of the same substance that dawb my face with expression which flow like little creeks into an ocean of community. I would like to say that I am me and there is nobody like me, but that would be a lie.

We all represent a circle in a giant portrait of overlapping rings whith shaded regions of uncertainty and independance. We all make a gorgeous mess of a portrait.

.WebCam.

08-19-2004
.Limo? LOL.

	[30 Sep 2007\|11:00pm]
obviously, i'v moved. toodles.
1 comment\|post comment

Pics [14 Oct 2005|10:26pm]

and

School is okay. I only failed one test, which isn't too bad. :x I'm still struggin' with being who I am size wise, but I won't bitch about it here. Bryan is sick with a tummy ache. I'm about to go fold laundry.

<33333 ADAM!!! Make an LJ so you can read my private journal. Kk?

gorgeous_mess Check it. :)

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life-time [07 Oct 2005|07:44pm]

I'm taking a two hour break from studying. Because basically studying sucks.

and I'm watching the life-time channel. OH MY GOD. This movie I'm watching is SO intense. I love these fucking movies. It's like.. fucked up shit happens all the time and you sit there like.. "OH MY FUCKING GOD THE AUDACITY!! I HOPE YOU SHOOT THAT BASTARD!!!" :x

I shouldn't have started this movie, but now I must finish it. lol

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My favorite day of the year [03 Oct 2005|11:34pm]

[ mood | creative ]

International Very Good Looking, Dang Smart Woman's Day

lol

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New shit for me! [01 Oct 2005|06:48pm]

It's Bryan's and I's one year. Whoo hoo! I got new stuff. If you want details go to G_M. :)

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[30 Sep 2005|10:52pm]

check out gorgeous_mess

It's coming along. Not really the feel I want for a journal, but it's better looking than it was. :x

I'm really going to hook it up when fall break comes. Yo. :D

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help. [25 Sep 2005|03:13pm]

Are there any 12 step programs for Halo addicts? Not talking about myself, but somebody I love deeply.

-sigh-

4 comments|post comment

hell yes. [22 Sep 2005|12:41pm]

guess who just bought paint shop pro x.

me.

BWHAHAHAHAHA. I'll be editing my new private Lj in no time. :)

2 comments|post comment

Somebody knows what they're talking about! [15 Sep 2005|10:31pm]

Go to google.

Type in FAILURE

and then hit "feelin' lucky"

:) I agree. Totally.

4 comments|post comment

Moving on. [14 Sep 2005|02:34pm]

Guess who got her computer fixed? ME

This journal is now strictly for random ass facts, one line entries, occassional pictures, etc. I'm not deleting it, just keeping it on the back burner.

You can find me at gorgeous_mess. :)

I'll make graphics and insert stuff once I get paint shop pro again. :x

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Monday is almost here [10 Sep 2005|04:09pm]

I volunteered at the American Heart Walk this afternoon. SO MUCH FUN! And on top of that the student turn out was excellent. I love organizing things and groups of people. :)

I've only eaten an apple and a granola bar today. I'm extremely proud of myself. Yes, I'm cycling back into my self-loathing "I'm so fat stage." I won't whine about it here. Just read some entries in my past.They're all the same and repetative.

I feel like I'm being mimicked on LJ. Strange, but I ran into this one journal and this chick is taking pics the same way I used to. (Even using the same props when I used them.) It's kind of eerie, kind of flattering. Maybe I'm just being conceited again. I do have issues with that. I don't know. I just want to smite her. I don't like her AT all. She seems really unfriendly anyway.

I finally got the piece of glass dug out of my finger. My baby did it for me after the heart walk and it was the most excrutiating 5 minutes of my life. I don't think I can handle child birth. :x

And now, I must study with my sinus going INSANE, headach pressure, nasal pressure, and runny itchy eyes.

I'm allergic to Memphis.

-sigh-

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Friends Only [09 Sep 2005|05:24pm]

I've decided, I'm going friends only. I'm using gorgeous_mess alot more. I've already started on the layout.

The. End. I'll keep pics unposted. maybe This journal will just be fore random one word posts that mean nothing.

I'll clean my journal up Monday after my Therapeutics exam. An exam most ordinary people couldn't endure. :| Am I being conceited by calling myself better than the ordinary? No. This is my first test, and I'll see how long I last.

haha.

"The thought of sticking my hard manrod up your tight manpussy is one that just brings forth voluminous amounts of precum. Poke your hole until you walk bowlegged and bleed. You know you would love that bitch."

~Anonymous.

WTF??? I haven't gotten harrassing comments in over 2 years. I'm peeing in my pants. LOL! I'm glad I can turn this person on with my "manpussy."

<3 Live.

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drowning [08 Sep 2005|01:05pm]

I'm drowning in my own effort to succeed.

Death is the product of it all anyway.

I just want to make a permanent change that will linger even after I'm gone.

Because I'm fucking KILLING myself with school work and something good better result from my untimely ending.

:x

Dramatic? Me?

Hell. Yes.

2 comments|post comment

PICS OF HAIR PEOPLE!! ENDULGE ME!!! [25 Aug 2005|06:25pm]

I just took a three hour nap today. My body was just worn down from the past two days and I'm not the kind of person who can run on E constantly. Sleep saves life years, right? I hope I resalvaged some of them. :)

My hair looks awesome. Honestly, it's not as blond as I said it was. It's red, blond, light brown, dark brown,etc. Multitonal highlights. Which is what I asked for. I'm just in a whole new ballgame of hair care now. I'm conditioning like a mofo and using a can of oilsheen a week. :x

School is alright. I don't know how to take the Pharmacy Class 1. Now that I'm Class 2 its just differnt. Thankfully, I'm not attracted to anybody in the new class. There was a little fear that there'd be (probably not)somebody HOTTER than my boyfriend, and then I'd go and be stupid. rofl. I've never cheated on anybody. I've always broken up with people before I moved on. With that said, I was telling my friend the other day over a drink that I'm not friends at all all with my ex's. They all severely hate my guts, just don't care, or I'm scared to restart a friendship (for existing psycho tendencies. I don't find it strange. I would prefer for it to be this way. To butter my ego, I just say "I'm like a drug. I'm great when I'm around, but after a break up, people have to get over me and never look back. I'm just kind of hard to quit."

Bryan and I are going strong. I miss him so much this week. I asked for a few nights a week apart from each other. (we see each other ALL the time), and then being male, he suggests a WHOLE WEEK. I'm like.. "You evil bastard!!! ButIstillloveyou." He, btw, loves my hair. You know what? I'll post a pic tonight. rofl. It'll be a "posing in the mirror" pic, but you all will get the gen idea.

Alright. Enough of this typing shit. I can't wait until David can fix my comp. I neeeeeeeeeeeeds it right now. :x

Edit: Here are some pics. BOY THEY ARE CRAPPY!!!! lol. I'm sure everybody's used to me doing CLEAR visible pics, w/o a camera involved, but I'm too tired to set up my camera and fiddle with lighting. Not to mention, I'm a fucking cow now.
Before:

hehe. Ya'll haven't seen this pic yet. This was at a Med School get-together were the guys played Edward 40 hands (used tape to hold 40's to their hands and they couldn't do anything until both drinks were gone). They taped my applie tini in a bottle to my hands. aha. I didn't last long. My little drink was too cold. :x

After:

NOWNOW, my bathroom is dark and totally downplayed the color in the front. That shit is all kinds of blonde AND red and brown. I can't get a good shot of the back, because ... I'm lazy. I'll take pics this weekend. Like I said,I'm kind of shy. I gained so much weight over the summer.

boohoo. I'm... going to the gym. RIGHT NOW. rofl. I'm seriously though. I got my ophra mag. I'm ready to go. Sorry again about the quality of the pics. I think they look especially bad because my roommates computer blows EVERYTHING up huge on her internet browser and I think the pics are larger than I made them. So, if they're like.. 8213719238 x 9443859438 let me know!. I'll fix it. :D

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You would never guess what I did. [19 Aug 2005|05:39pm]

I'm blonde. :x

I didn't want to be. But the stylist just went a little crazy.

:x. Oh. God.

29 comments|post comment

Well well [07 Aug 2005|02:46pm]

I've been working out 2 hours a day now. Go me. Go me. I'm really syked. I've lost a little weight which makes me feel 127192717 x sexier. I've also started daily afformations (can't spell that and I won't spell check it, lol).

"I am a beautiful black goddess.
I Love myself and I deserved to be loved by others.
I respect myself and deserve respect from others.
I am confident.
I make correct, decisive, and understanding decisions.
I am FUCKING HOT!!!!
I AM A SEX GODDESS!!!
I AM A FUCKING AWESOME PERSON." -dies- I know, it sounds silly. But while you're driving (alone. please do it alone) say things like that to yourself and you'll notice that you'll hold yourself up a little taller and talk a little lounder and just be one of those people that everybody's like, "Damn, I wish I could be just like her because she's so neat." It's just an awesome feelings and only you, yourself can give that. Not anybody else.

Anyway, I talked to Anya for like 45 mins on the phone today. I really really miss her. I'm such a bad friend sometimes and I get so self-involved that I forget about really special people that really do mean something to me. So, anyway, she's doing great. :)

I have a test to study for. The bank took 128 bucks from me saying I overdrafted when I didn't. How can a person with a 1000 bucks in a checking account overdraft? -sigh- I want my money back and that's really preoccupying my thoughts right now. $128 is that pair of 9 west shoes I promised I'd buy myself once the summer is over. Damn private companies and ...whatever the fuck. DAMN THE MAN!!

I stopped by David's new crib. It's the bomb. I really really really miss hanging out with those guys. It's not like I hung out with them ALOT anyway, but whenever I do it's always a blast and I've always wanted to hang out with them alot anyway, so I'm going to start. They're just so outgoing and funny and into having a good time which is exactly what I'm about. Also, they like to party and party WAS my middle name. (before I started all this Vice President, Hypertension Chair, Profesionalism Committee bullshit). LOL. God. I'm such an overacheiver sometimes and yet I'm who I am. A girly girl that has affairs with amaretto sours and apple-tini's whenever possible.

Bryan went out last night with his guy friends and I think he really really missed them. He's from Chat-town and so are his friends and all his friends went back for the summer. Bryan stayed in Memphis with me. Even though I'm the absolute best girlfriend ever, I can't replace those guys. So he went out last night and had a blast. He deserved it. This morning though, he sounded like a frog which kind of ticked me off, because whenever we go out, the next day he sounds fine and isn't hung over. Today he was all kinds of messed up which is like, whoa! :x But, before he went out last night we did a little practice. You know
little senerios for when females approach him at the bars or whatever and I'm not around. (Not that I'm bitchy or anything. I'm really nice to girls that approach him and talk to them and everything, but without me there, I KNOW YOU BITCHES GET ALL CLINGY AND SHIT!)

So we stood in the living room and I'm like, "Okay, you act like your talking to your friend Stephen and I'll be some random red head with C cup breasts." (I wish I were a c cup). So he stands there and then I come in. Rub his shoulder a little bit and then say, "Hi. How was your summer?"

Then Bryan goes, "Fine, Yours?" and I'm like... "EEEEEERP. WRONG RESPONSE!! Your are supposed to be like 'I have a girlfriend' First thing out of your mouth. And do your hand like this." I would bring my hand up in the air and down in a side swipe like a kung-fu move. Smile! So he rolled his eyes and was like.. okay. So I go at him again, being a different girl, and he would say... "I HAVE A GIRLFRIEND!!" and then grab my boob. :x

So, anyway, he got the point. And he said he used it last night on this chick. ROFL. That totally made my day. Except I hope he didn't grab her boob. Though that would hopefully scare her away. bwhahaha.

Anyway, I've got to work out. enough rambling for me.

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aww [02 Aug 2005|11:19pm]

Playing Prince of Persia with my boytoy.

How fucking cute is that.

3 comments|post comment

BIG FUCKING SIGH [02 Aug 2005|04:51pm]

I can't get my computer until my scholarship money comes in. And that won't be coming in until about 4-5 more weeks. GODS. I'm going to be 60 by the time it comes. I really really need it. I'm so tired of bumming off people right now. lol. I would steal my boyfriends laptop for the time being, but we don't have wireless internet hooked up yet, sooooo that sucks. I just miss some of yall. I know that's really pathetic, but some of ya'll keep me on the straight and narrow and provide another perspective on my life which makes it less shitty than I think it is sometimes.

On a good note, I'm feeling alot better about my body. I've been working out hardcore, not cheating on my diet, and I'm feeling great. I love the pain I feel in my thighs when I walk around, because I've worked them until they feel like jello. -swoon- I'm going to work out tonight in about 2 hours after the afer-work rush has dissapated.

I have a new faker. lol. And, I can't EVEN find her! I've just heard about her. She uses similar gamer tag to my Xbox gamer tag, toxiclipgoss. And then she uses my pictures and my salutes with toxiclipgloss on it, to prove that she's me. hahaha. I'm seriously getting a kick out of it. So far, I've head that she's in some "Hot Xbox Women Clan" and I wouldn't join that if I were shot in the face. But, seriously, if that person is being fulfilled by doing that and stealing my measly, poorly shot pics off the internt, then so be it. I'm glad I can give somebody's life a little spunk or something to look forward to. I just hope the chick sounds better than me. I sound like a 12 year old. Nothing womanly about my voice. If she sounds like some hot sultry broad, then HELL YES!!!!

that's all people get from you off xbox live anyway. Your voice. hehe.

Anyway, I'm doing laundry now at Bryan's because Ripal and I don't have a washer and dryer. We're going to get one though, it just takes time to get things situated. Especially money. We've both poured so much cash into our apartment that it's not EVEN funny. Like, 3 wardrobes worth of money. :x it's all worth it though. I like how things are coming along and I couldn't ask for a better roommate. I'm glad we moved in together, because we click. We're both clean. We both like to clean. We both like to study and work out and do stuff. But at the same time, we can split up and do things without each other so we're not in each other's faces all the time. Good thing.

Anyway, I won't be posting pics of my fat ass until I get back from Birmingham. Does anybody from LJ want to meet up still?

17 comments|post comment

I'm baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack [30 Jul 2005|08:54am]

My intership of HELL is over. I'll have to type more about it when I get my new computer which will be a long time from now I think. I'm still waiting for my scholarship money. :) whoohoo!! Unfortunately, that'll be all I can get with it. rofl.

Think I can lose 10lbs in 2 weeks starting today? We'll find out. I'm too scared to weigh myself. Walgreens made me so fucking chubby. lol. All I did was snack constantly. Because I didn't want to be there, I ate mini oreos all day. :x Now, I'm tangled in my usual eating disorder/self-loathing web of physical bullshit. I know, pretty pathetic. But, when I sit here and think about it I can laugh my ass off, fess up to its stupidity, and then do it anyway. I'm not as harsh on myself as I used to be. I still eat! But, no more fucking oreos. . . EVER.

I'm not posting pics until I lose the weight. Whatever weight thatis. I don't have a scale. I haven't had one in years. If I did, I would go stand on it every 30 minutes to an hour. It was so preoccupying (sp). I'm better off without it. Trust me.

On the 13th of August I'm going to B-Ham to PARTAY!!!!! Plan on buying some hot purchase. I'll keep you all informed. But, for now, I need to stop typing, because I'm a little annoyed with this keyboard. The spacer key is desensitized or something. Or maybe I'm just a light typer and I feel like I have to SMASH it down every time I space, which gets tedious. LOL. Either way, Ripal is so sweet for letting me bum off her computer all summer while mine is imploding silently.

Woe is me. :)

And fucking shit, I actually let my paid account run out over the summer!!!!! I really wasn't active with this shit. haha

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computer busted [24 Jul 2005|10:39am]

What a dry LJ summer this has been for me. I'm actually glad, because I needed a break from doing online stuff anyway. Just time to chill and live life. Hopefully have tons to write about.

Anyway, I haven't been active, because my computer is broken,so that kind of sucks. Okay,not kinda. Really sucks. I'm waiting for my scholarship money to come so I can get a new one. :)

Let's hope that's soon. I can use my roommates computer, but it's just not the same. You know?

<33 you all. Pray for me.

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